Please excuse my language–F*ck you anxiety

Dear anxiety disorder,

F*ck you. No seriously. F*ck you. For my entire life until this moment I have run from my anxiety— I have created this super resilient girl when deep down inside I am a sensitive soft soul who consistently hides her light with the world. Ever since I was a child I struggled. Anxiety would come and go.. I would have panic attacks and then I would go months feeling content and on top of the world. Well tonight, I want to share that I am, in this present moment being tackled by anxiety.

I question everything and funnel it through my head: Am I too fat? Maybe I’m too skinny? Is my health ok? Do I have cancer? Is my business failing? Are my friends mad at me? Am I going to make it in life? Am I good enough? Am I smart enough? Will I have enough money to survive? Is my relationship ok? Am I a good partner? Am I a good daughter/sister? Do I spend enough time with my family vs my friends? Am I working out enough? Am I working out too much? Do I have enough time alone? Do I spend enough quality time with my husband? and so on and so forth… HOW EX-HAU-STING!! As I look at this list is also feels quite selfish— it is all about YOU- the ego you cannot control.

Not only does my minds run wild, my body also speaks to me as I become crippled with tension in my entire body. When I open my mouth wide, I hear what sounds like someone popping plastic bubble wrap. My shoulders are as hard as rocks, my hips are in shambles and when I lift my leg I hear a weird snapping sound.

When I am in transition, or when life is feeling too much to handle, I consistently wonder if I should have a drink or pop a xanax to take the edge off to feel like myself again.

I don’t feel like myself at all and want to sleep as much as possible. I am in a cage being demolished by this demon named anxiety. I get so overwhelmed that we can’t think clearly, not to mention formulating any sort of plan into the future, because that just triggers even more anxiety. When you are crippled by this demon it naturally pairs with depression.

My go to is always yoga & meditation. It helps most of the time but when I am not practicing and trying to function in the ‘real world’ I am stuck. Stuck in this place where I cannot fully be present or be in my light like I want to or know I am capable of. I feel like lying down on the living room floor, kicking and screaming at the top of my lungs as I let out puddles of tears. I want to crawl out of my skin.

When I am in full-fledged anxiety mode and friends give advice like, ‘choose love over fear’, or ‘happiness is a choice,’ please understand that I really do not have a choice. I am living in fear mode and cannot help it no matter how much meditation/mindfulness/yoga I am practicing. When I am on the other side of the anxiety, it is much easier to see synchronicity and be in my light— when the anxiety attack is over, that’s when I have a choice.

We all have moments when we feel stuck, sad and overwhelmed. I am not typing this up to say, woes me, feel bad for me, but I am here to speak up for all the people who suffer from an anxiety disorder. When I am in a downward spiral and feel out of control, there can also be a feeling of loneliness, especially if your partner/ friends/ family don’t struggle with the same mental health. To hear someone speak the same language as you can most certainly feel comforting.

Sometimes yoga/meditation just doesn’t work when you are in an anxious tizzy.  Sometimes I need more. Most of the time, I suffer in silence. Suffering in silence reminds me of the quote by John Watson, “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.” When people have smiles on their faces and are trying their best to be their best they may not really be the person you think they are.